This title caught my attention. I’m in a polyamorous relationship with a cis-man and find it very hard to find another man as ‘good’ at polyamory. I find a lot of men put ‘poly’ or ‘enm’ on their dating profile but when I question them about it what they really mean is they want multiple casual relationships. I’ve found meeting people irl in spaces for poly/ enm people is the best place to meet someone on the same wavelength
I think it’s important that you pointed this out, but I also feel like this grouping of non-monogamous men in general further contributes to the stigma around non-monogamy in the first place. In my experience, I feel like people, including women and enbies, who have genuinely done the work to learn about and practice non-monogamy intentionally and ethically don’t fall into this category at all. For instance, I dated a woman who described her relationship as “poly” with her male partner who entered the dynamic because her partner still had feelings for her ex (which ended tragically) but also a poly man who had 2 other partners and treated each of us with respect and love.
I think that people of any gender need to be critically examined when they approach you with wanting a non-monogamous dynamic because of how much work and commitment this truly entails, so we should be careful of how we approach the relationship between non-monogamy and gender. A rule of thumb for me after some experience dating non-monogamously has been to steer clear of ANY person claiming they’re practicing non-monogamy with a partner they were in a monogamous relationship with to start (often with no breaks in between this transition).
Unfortunately, I think the connection you’re highlighting in this piece is so strong to cishet men because they’re often the ones initiating this dynamic, so the last thing I want to do is come off as invalidating your experience, but I think these broader ideas are helpful to keep in mind particularly for queer folks who may not encounter cishet men but run into these same issues (again, often perpetuated by them like the girl I was dating, lmao). I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this!!
THAT PARTTTTTTTT. As someone who's in a non monogamous relationship with a queer man, it took a lot of deprogramming and trust building to get to the point where we're comfortable exploring nonmonogamy. Just because you have the desire to be open doesn't mean your relationship is ready for it.
Do you seriously think patriarchy makes all men's egos big? Don't you see over half of men now feel like pathetic losers? Though I guess you are not dating those, because that is not sexy. I guess this is what I find annoying in feminist blogs, set a dating pool of about 25% of men max, even less, those who are entitled pricks because they will have the confidence, charisma, flirting ability, and then complain about how patriarchy turns all men into entitled pricks, while not even noticing the existence of all those men who feel lower than dirt because they are not dateable (or even noticable, hiding behind a gaming console, not out there).
This title caught my attention. I’m in a polyamorous relationship with a cis-man and find it very hard to find another man as ‘good’ at polyamory. I find a lot of men put ‘poly’ or ‘enm’ on their dating profile but when I question them about it what they really mean is they want multiple casual relationships. I’ve found meeting people irl in spaces for poly/ enm people is the best place to meet someone on the same wavelength
I think it’s important that you pointed this out, but I also feel like this grouping of non-monogamous men in general further contributes to the stigma around non-monogamy in the first place. In my experience, I feel like people, including women and enbies, who have genuinely done the work to learn about and practice non-monogamy intentionally and ethically don’t fall into this category at all. For instance, I dated a woman who described her relationship as “poly” with her male partner who entered the dynamic because her partner still had feelings for her ex (which ended tragically) but also a poly man who had 2 other partners and treated each of us with respect and love.
I think that people of any gender need to be critically examined when they approach you with wanting a non-monogamous dynamic because of how much work and commitment this truly entails, so we should be careful of how we approach the relationship between non-monogamy and gender. A rule of thumb for me after some experience dating non-monogamously has been to steer clear of ANY person claiming they’re practicing non-monogamy with a partner they were in a monogamous relationship with to start (often with no breaks in between this transition).
Unfortunately, I think the connection you’re highlighting in this piece is so strong to cishet men because they’re often the ones initiating this dynamic, so the last thing I want to do is come off as invalidating your experience, but I think these broader ideas are helpful to keep in mind particularly for queer folks who may not encounter cishet men but run into these same issues (again, often perpetuated by them like the girl I was dating, lmao). I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this!!
THAT PARTTTTTTTT. As someone who's in a non monogamous relationship with a queer man, it took a lot of deprogramming and trust building to get to the point where we're comfortable exploring nonmonogamy. Just because you have the desire to be open doesn't mean your relationship is ready for it.
which part exactly haha?
Do you seriously think patriarchy makes all men's egos big? Don't you see over half of men now feel like pathetic losers? Though I guess you are not dating those, because that is not sexy. I guess this is what I find annoying in feminist blogs, set a dating pool of about 25% of men max, even less, those who are entitled pricks because they will have the confidence, charisma, flirting ability, and then complain about how patriarchy turns all men into entitled pricks, while not even noticing the existence of all those men who feel lower than dirt because they are not dateable (or even noticable, hiding behind a gaming console, not out there).
You sound like my other ex boyfriend tbh
This actually makes me feel better for your boyfriend. If there's no good other men for you to date, he doesn't have to share you with them.
Interesting take. Thank you for sharing.
Hmm I don’t think I wanna reward any men now lol