Heterosexual men aren’t ready for non-monogamy
How come those guys who can’t even handle one woman think they should get another?
Look, I myself am in the non-monogamous game since years, yet, I haven’t dated another non-monogamous man for a simple reason: they can’t handle any of us. The main reason heterosexual men want to be non-monogamous is so they don’t have to cheat on their girlfriends behind their backs, and not so they can offer care or sincere affection to another woman in their lives.
They don’t wanna be “woke”, they wanna be non-monogamous so they can be less committed, have a reason to distance themselves and go on with their fucking lives, knowing they have someone who cares for their well-being at home while they’re fucking some 23 yo tinder bimbo.
Believe me, I’ve had a couple of conversations with the guy I was in a toxic relationship with who wanted to be non-monogamous, yet, we had 0 conversations about his urgent need to become a better boyfriend. He wanted to go on apps, he wanted to go “out there”, but he definitely didn’t want to massage me, buy me flowers, take care of the dog, plan dates a week in advance, try a new recipe together or help me scan my tax receipts. He wanted me, and he wanted other women to admire him, text him, chase him, pick him, prioritize him, help him with his studies and make him sandwiches.
That’s why I don’t date non-monogamous men.
Not only do I know that the guy who wants to be “non-monogamous” is probably taking advantage in some way or another of the woman at home, who’s often not happy he’s out there dating other women anyways which is a massive turn-off.
On top of it all, the girlfriend at home is often also a very desperate, deeply insecure person who doesn’t want to lose her “good catch” just because he cheated once or twice and now changed the label to “non-monogamous”, which means that I would be exposed to a weird power dynamic in which I want no part in.
Imagine the phone calls from his girlfriend while he’s trying to go down on me! Imagine the drama, the jealousy, the stalking of my online presence, the awkward Instagram messages in which she’s asking if I’m in love with him.
Also, I gotta be honest I simply don’t like the idea of sharing a man in patriarchy. With all the privileges that especially white cis-hetero males encounter, I don’t think its beneficial to their egos if they can, on top of it all, fuck as many women per week as they want without suffering any consequences, without losing the woman they apparently love. Despite them: not being at home, not being present, not really giving much in return. And here we are again, at the beginning. As long as men are not willing to do the emotional labor, the mental load, the soothing and care-taking, as long as they don’t take the dog or the baby out more often than their girlfriends, as long as they don’t do the laundry on time, can’t provide a meal or take care of themselves: how the heck should they be allowed, or able, to date more than one woman?
Sorry, I simply don’t see a man who has never heard anything of Esther Perel or Jessica Fern slide into my messages and be like: “Yo, I’m in a non-monogamous relationship, but I’m available tonight!” and get a “Yesss let’s meet up!” as a reply, when I do know from experience that most of these fuckboys have never read a word about polyamory, consensual non-monogamy or how to eat pussy.
They. just. wanna. get. laid.
The only guy I can see out there doing non-monogamous things competently is my boyfriend, but then I think of all the women who might want him, because he is open, warm-hearted, good looking, amazing in bed and friendly, all the women who would be disappointed because he’s really really into me and no one else and I imagine another woman falling in love with him and being heartbroken so what’s the point in sharing my boyfriend if he is simply not that interested in anyone else?
So, the only guy I can see out there doing non-monogamous things competently is my boyfriend, who doesn’t have the need for it, because he likes me more than randomly fucking around or meeting other women casually. What gets me back to the point I was making: How come those guys who can’t even handle one woman think they need to get another?
Because that’s exactly the reason they want another woman. They want another woman who can’t fully grasp him, who cannot really expect anything from him, and isn’t allowed to call him.
They want a woman who’s not a person; a woman, who’s a blow-up doll without needs, a toy, a fantasy.
And that’s why 99% of all heterosexual men aren’t ready for non-monogamy.
This title caught my attention. I’m in a polyamorous relationship with a cis-man and find it very hard to find another man as ‘good’ at polyamory. I find a lot of men put ‘poly’ or ‘enm’ on their dating profile but when I question them about it what they really mean is they want multiple casual relationships. I’ve found meeting people irl in spaces for poly/ enm people is the best place to meet someone on the same wavelength
I think it’s important that you pointed this out, but I also feel like this grouping of non-monogamous men in general further contributes to the stigma around non-monogamy in the first place. In my experience, I feel like people, including women and enbies, who have genuinely done the work to learn about and practice non-monogamy intentionally and ethically don’t fall into this category at all. For instance, I dated a woman who described her relationship as “poly” with her male partner who entered the dynamic because her partner still had feelings for her ex (which ended tragically) but also a poly man who had 2 other partners and treated each of us with respect and love.
I think that people of any gender need to be critically examined when they approach you with wanting a non-monogamous dynamic because of how much work and commitment this truly entails, so we should be careful of how we approach the relationship between non-monogamy and gender. A rule of thumb for me after some experience dating non-monogamously has been to steer clear of ANY person claiming they’re practicing non-monogamy with a partner they were in a monogamous relationship with to start (often with no breaks in between this transition).
Unfortunately, I think the connection you’re highlighting in this piece is so strong to cishet men because they’re often the ones initiating this dynamic, so the last thing I want to do is come off as invalidating your experience, but I think these broader ideas are helpful to keep in mind particularly for queer folks who may not encounter cishet men but run into these same issues (again, often perpetuated by them like the girl I was dating, lmao). I’d love to hear more of your thoughts on this!!