what non-monogamy has taught me about monogamy
and why it doesn't feel as progressive any more as it once used to feel.
This should have been an essay, but I figured it’s actually somewhat of a listicle. And that’s fine. Each time I open a new document, I can decide which style I’m choosing. And the same goes for relationship models as well.
The biggest takeaway from roughly five years of non-monogamy is definitely the fact that neither of those relationship models is by default better or worse than the other. It’s about a conscious choice that both partners are making. Not as a compromise, so the other won’t leave – but as a personal belief.
Learning #1: Practicing non-monogamy has helped me question the default setting of monogamy that most ppl accept without ever having tried or discussed something different.
One big thing that has changed after practicing non-monogamy is my perception of folks who have never tried anything else but still think monogamy is the best option for everyone. Monogamy is, at its worst, propaganda, and it was definitely not introduced because of love.
Or, as scientists put it: We find that male mate guarding drives the evolution of monogamy, as it secures a partner and ensures paternity certainty in the face of more promiscuous competitors. (Nature) Boom! Alexandra Kollontai, one of my favorite socialist writers, wrote that monogamy is an artifact of capitalist concepts of property and inheritance. (Make Way for Winged Eros)
So, more often than not, I find myself questioning whether someone I know is consciously in a monogamous relationship or just doing so unconsciously. And, if they are unconsciously in such a relationship, how much have they reflected on their emotional and sexual needs within this specific relationship? Are they truly happy? I dunno.
Since practicing non-monogamy, I’ve completely lost admiration for what I call default-monogamous couples. I want to ask: “Ok, have you even TALKED about different relationship models, or is this just … what you’ve been taught?”
Often, when my female friends in monogamous relationships tell me they’re missing something—sex, affection, passion—I suggest talking about it with their partners. If you’re in doubt of your compatibility and future, how can you know if monogamy is the right relationship model for you?
Which brings me to Learning #2 and #3 ...
Learning #2: Practicing non-monogamy has taught me that I don’t want to be exclusive with everyone, but with some, I definitely do.
I cannot tell you if I’m a monogamous person or a non-monogamous person, because to me, it’s not that black and white. It depends on the partner. With some men, I just didn’t think monogamy was an option for various reasons. With some, I felt our relationship was more friendship-based, so I didn’t want to restrict myself sexually. With others, I didn’t see a future, so I didn’t want to promise too much, including my sexual loyalty. Basically, I knew we had an end date—which makes me sound like a total romantic, right?
So, is the logical step to practice monogamy when you think it’s “forever”? Maybe? Honestly, I cannot look inside my brain and tell you exactly why I want to be monogamous with some men. I’m just naturally not interested in anyone else at all. It’s just a feeling, one that can occur after falling in love and probably does have something to do with biology.
Yup. I’m surprised by this as well, because it makes you assume that sexually liberated women can be “tamed” if they meet the right guy. I’d say it might as well be a matter of timing and life circumstances. I’m not that delulu yet.
Learning #3: Practicing non-monogamy was another loser filter, because most losers won’t allow a woman to have multiple partners.
Before y’all come at me, let me clarify: wanting monogamy does not make anyone a loser. Forcing it onto a woman out of fear of losing control over her, with the main purpose being possession rather than genuine connection, does. Let me be more specific: if a guy becomes overly jealous and accuses me of cheating just because I hang out with a male friend, that’s a massive red flag. In my experience, those are exactly the men who want monogamy out of fear, not conviction. They seek monogamy to ensure paternity, status, and control. It has nothing to do with love. Oftentimes, they don’t love you at all.
On the other hand, I’ve been in loving relationships with men who were fine with me going out on dates and using apps. So, practicing non-monogamy has shown me that real, genuine love has nothing to do with being monogamous or non-monogamous. It’s again, about what two individuals want from a relationship.
So, how can you tell if your man’s a controlling bore? Talk to him about non-monogamy. If he’s absolutely against it for no apparent reason, and he’s mainly afraid of other men penetrating you, that says a lot about him. Specifically, it points to a lack of confidence and a tendency to view you as property rather than as an equal partner. This isn't about advocating for non-monogamy; it’s about assessing his ability to engage in a mature, nuanced discussion about relationships and boundaries.
A confident, self-assured man will approach the conversation with an open mind, listen to your perspective, and work with you to understand your concerns, even if he ultimately disagrees. What’s important is his willingness to prioritize communication and mutual respect without resorting to jealousy, defensiveness, or control.
Healthy relationships are built on trust, emotional security, and shared values—not fear or a desire to dominate. Even if the conclusion is to maintain monogamy, the way he handles the discussion will reveal his respect for you as an individual with your own needs, autonomy, and desires. Relationships thrive when both partners are willing to meet each other halfway, not when one person seeks to impose their will unilaterally.
Learning #4: BUT I also encountered multiple losers as a non-monogamous woman, simply because I was statistically exposed to a wider group of men.
This one is a no-brainer. Practicing non-monogamy exposed me to various situations—good, bad, and ugly—that I wouldn’t have ended up in if I had been in a monogamous relationship. The more men you date, the more potential idiots you meet.
It’s actually not that easy to find good dick, so if you’re a non-monogamous woman, you’ll have to put in the work.
I don’t wanna spend more time with men, sorry. I’ve got fiction to create, friendships to nurture, and music to produce. I’d rather spend time with my dog than swiping. In the end, it just wasn’t worth the time and effort, to be honest. At times, it even felt kinda backwards—being “out there” while so many women are complaining about it. I get them; I’m one of them. So why participate?
In this economy? Duh.
Learning #5: Practicing non-monogamy showed me that a stable relationship with a person I adore is worth more than fucking around (which did surprise me.)
One thing they say about non-monogamous relationships is true: even if you practice non-monogamy ethically, it can shake your world up. And honestly? My world has already been shaken up enough times.
After practicing non-monogamy for so many years, I actually find it comforting to know what’s going to happen within the next one to six months—and that it’s going to happen with the same person. I love the stability, the simplicity.
There are no other people involved, no text messages to anticipate, no metamours who also have a say in your summer holidays. If you view relationship models as lifestyle choices, monogamy is the ultimate expression of minimalism: everything you need, free from unnecessary clutter. It’s not about limiting myself but about choosing intentional simplicity and peace of mind.
Learning #6: Practicing non-monogamy led me to choose monogamy, because after non-monogamy, monogamy became a choice.
I don’t need another five years of practicing non-monogamy to decide whether it’s right for me. I’ve already lived it, and I know that under specific circumstances, non-monogamy can absolutely work. It can bring excitement, growth, and exploration. But through my experience, I’ve come to realize that it’s not what I want right now.
Crucially, I no longer wrestle with the endless questions that used to fill my mind, like:
Will non-monogamy boost my relationship?
Will it spice up my sex life?
Or, the classic starter: AM I NON-MoNoGaMOuS?? (Sometimes)
Usually followed by the bigger, scarier question: OR AM I IN THE WRONG RELATIONSHIP? (Yes!)
Those questions are valid and probably necessary for anyone exploring their relational identity, but they can also keep you stuck in a loop of uncertainty. Practicing non-monogamy definitely gave me the freedom to confront and answer them.
It allowed me to untangle my desires from societal expectations, giving me clarity about what I truly value in a relationship, at this stage of my life. Having explored non-monogamy, I now choose monogamy with a clear, conscious mind. It’s not a fallback, not the default path society laid out for me. It’s a decision rooted in experience, introspection, and a deep understanding of my needs and values.
And yeah, sometimes that’s exclusivity. It can be f*ing beautiful waking up next to the person you love so deeply that you simply don’t want to, and don’t have to share them.
Former relationship anarchist, born-again monogamist, and I feel ya!
Very well put! Feeling it deeply