#TrustHisEx
Abusers don’t walk around telling you on the first date what they did to their ex.
I don't need to cite statistics to back up what we already know: relationships with straight men are potentially dangerous for women and non-binary people. In 2023 alone, 26 femicides were committed across Austria, with an additional 51 attempted murders. And in Germany, almost every third day, a woman is killed by her partner or ex-partner. On February 23, 2024, five women (!) were murdered by men in Vienna alone.
Here’s the thing: Abusers don’t walk around telling you on the first date what they did to their ex. Not on the fourth or fifth date, either.
There’s hardly any legal way to find out early if the guy you’re dating will later turn into a controlling asshole who sucks the life out of you.
As Jacinta Nandi so aptly said: it’s called domestic violence, not red carpet violence. The emotional, psychological, and often physical abuse doesn’t happen when his friends are sitting next to you at the table; it happens when you're home again, and he suddenly notices he hates your perfume and your job, too. That other face he shows, the one no one else sees. Except, wait a minute. Maybe someone else has seen it before. Like the “crazy” ex-girlfriend who “didn’t invest enough” in the relationship and “only thought about herself.”
And this is exactly where the shift needs to occur if we want to heal ourselves from the inside out.
“If there’s one thing I regret in hindsight, it’s that I didn’t contact his ex sooner. If I had known what was coming, I definitely wouldn’t have gotten involved.”
When I listened to the SPIEGEL podcast about the death of Kasia Lenhardt – the ex of Jérôme Boateng – I kept wondering: What if Kasia had spoken to his ex Sherin Senler earlier? Would she still be alive today?
Even though women experience similar types of violence from the same man at different times, we often don't dare reach out to other women to ask how things went with a certain person. Even when we suspect something’s off. That’s tragic! It's an information gap that doesn't need to exist. A deficit that, if fixed, could save lives.
Still, we’d rather guess in the dark than write an email or DM. What a betrayal of our beloved! The shame of writing to his ex and being rejected is huge. As if she wouldn’t know exactly what's going on.
#TrustHisEx: I believe we need to start standing in solidarity.
Excel databases with names + crimes are unfortunately not allowed due to privacy and personal rights laws. So our only legal way to get clarity is to … contact the ex.
In the age of social media, there’s nothing easier than finding the ex. Thanks to endless complaints, you’ll likely already know her name and where she lives. If she’s also successful, you’ll know what she does for a living because your guy finds it “problematic.”
That’s why I started the hashtag #TrustHisEx.
Theoretically, anyone can put this in their bio to signal that they’re open to being contacted by their ex’s new flings and answering questions. #TrustHisEx is a sign that says: Yes, even if you’re stalking me right now and mistrusting me because of what he’s told you – write to me! Write to me instead of wasting countless hours trying to read something out of my profile.
Because, honestly: Most victims of domestic violence don’t write books about it. They look “normal,” go to the park, jog, and read books. Nothing reveals the damage they’ve survived.
Isn’t that creepy and intrusive?
Well, sometimes, giving a men a second chance means you end up dead.
So: No. The very fact that women ask themselves this question shows how deeply we fear being labeled as 'crazy. If your guy is scared of you writing to his ex, there are definitely reasons for that.
Personally, I’d be thrilled if the new girlfriends (and by the way, also “platonic” friends!) of my exes didn’t just half-stalk me but asked for a phone call. Please, call me. I’m happy to give my credits to the good ones and tell you if it’s better to watch out.
I might be the only person who can tell you whether he cheated or lied in his last relationship. I can reassure you if you’re unsure whether the violence happening to you is “real” – or if you’re just imagining it.
PS: You’re not imagining it.
Trust his fucking ex.
#TrustHisEx: Further Information
Jacinta Nandi: 50 Ways to Leave Your Ehemann, Nautilus Flugschrift
Netflix: Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard
This! If he talks shit about his ex, don’t walk, run! Also, we have to come to our senses, we are not ‘better’ than any other woman, not ‘better’ than his ex. Let’s not fall for these ‘compliments’ anymore! It’s bs.
For a while now I've been thinking how powerful it would be if there was something like a LinkedIn meets Yelp for romantic relationships. Where you could leave reviews about what's on the "menu", whether he was respectful, if you'd recommend someone date this man, and when to stay all the fuck away. It seriously comes to mind regularly. It feels a bit like a Black Mirror episode in real life.
I appreciate this post and how you would be open to a phone call from future women in an ex's life. Never considered this before and appreciate the sentiment!