It’s unfortunate because there are a lot of people, mainly women who have unacknowledged ‘people pleasing’ behaviors they developed as a coping mechanism growing up. I think true manipulators use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but there are genuine people out there struggling to overcome the very real and pervasive behavioral adaptation.
You took the words right out of my mouth with the “empath” thing - it takes all of my willpower not to roll my eyes when some of the most selfish and oblivious people start going on and on about how they “feel” other people’s emotions and it makes them have to hide away because they “just can’t take having the pain on the world on their shoulders”.
Bro, how are you going to tell me that, and then not notice me crying myself to sleep for the past year?
I had a friend (ex friend now) who sounds EXACTLY like your friend; when I got pregnant she said “oh YOU’RE having a baby?! Dang I can’t even take care of myself” (in a way that made it clear she felt I couldn’t take care of myself). Everything was about accommodating her, about how she felt in any given moment, etc.
I drove 14 hours to visit her only for her to tell me her cramps were too bad so she couldn’t leave her bed. I don’t want to diminish cramps but, when her love interest came by later in the day, she magically was fine. I was so afraid to cut off that friendship but a massive weight was lifted when I finally did!
Also, I have called myself a people pleaser but not to others and not in a boasting way (like in a job interview when they ask for a weakness you have and people say “I work too hard” lol.)
It’s more a synonym for codependent I suppose; I am a coward with horrific boundaries who has severe rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and my entire sense of self basically stems from external validation because I can’t even identify my own needs in any given moment. I am working on it but it’s really hard to undo wiring that’s been there since before you can remember!
Yep that gaslighting, I hate that — when you end up apologizing when initially you were trying to bring something up that you felt hurt by!
I’ve had issues with friends for as long as I can remember; when I was 4 my first “best friend” was super possessive, to the point where she tried to push my sister down the stairs and drown her on another occasion. Needless to say I repeated that pattern of having a possessive and controlling “best friend” up until adulthood. Now that I think about it, most of them were self proclaimed “empaths” lmfao not that I’m a saint, because I do sometimes engage in the behaviors you mention in the article - definitely the avoidance and lying - that’s the cowardly part I mentioned in my other comment. I admire people who know how to be direct. I’m not even sure how one begins to learn how to do that!
"Bro, how are you going to tell me that, and then not notice me crying myself to sleep for the past year?" hhahahahahhaha. THANK YOU FOR THAT ONE. It's exactlyyyy how you describe it. They even critizie you for TELLING them how you had a bad time, and weaponize it against just
Should we consider these things, too? Could some of this be unreliable narration? Could some of this be contextual?
There are certainly times when I am not as assertive as I should be.
There is a difference between a person who actually attempts to please/keep the peace in almost every circumstance and people who do that more selectively. If someone in the latter group takes the label People-Pleaser, I agree, there is a problem. That is a different problem from the less contextual People Pleaser, who also has a problem.
When I fail to stick up for myself, I can think of myself as people-pleasing. But I appreciate the point of the piece that I'm wrong to generalize my behavior into the clearly over-reported People Pleaser.
It’s unfortunate because there are a lot of people, mainly women who have unacknowledged ‘people pleasing’ behaviors they developed as a coping mechanism growing up. I think true manipulators use it as an excuse for bad behavior, but there are genuine people out there struggling to overcome the very real and pervasive behavioral adaptation.
You took the words right out of my mouth with the “empath” thing - it takes all of my willpower not to roll my eyes when some of the most selfish and oblivious people start going on and on about how they “feel” other people’s emotions and it makes them have to hide away because they “just can’t take having the pain on the world on their shoulders”.
Bro, how are you going to tell me that, and then not notice me crying myself to sleep for the past year?
I had a friend (ex friend now) who sounds EXACTLY like your friend; when I got pregnant she said “oh YOU’RE having a baby?! Dang I can’t even take care of myself” (in a way that made it clear she felt I couldn’t take care of myself). Everything was about accommodating her, about how she felt in any given moment, etc.
I drove 14 hours to visit her only for her to tell me her cramps were too bad so she couldn’t leave her bed. I don’t want to diminish cramps but, when her love interest came by later in the day, she magically was fine. I was so afraid to cut off that friendship but a massive weight was lifted when I finally did!
Also, I have called myself a people pleaser but not to others and not in a boasting way (like in a job interview when they ask for a weakness you have and people say “I work too hard” lol.)
It’s more a synonym for codependent I suppose; I am a coward with horrific boundaries who has severe rejection sensitivity dysphoria, and my entire sense of self basically stems from external validation because I can’t even identify my own needs in any given moment. I am working on it but it’s really hard to undo wiring that’s been there since before you can remember!
"It’s more a synonym for codependent I suppose" -> yeah... the co-dependency can also lit in friendships I guess. Working on that too.
the thing with the pregnancy-news was EXACTLY how she basically answered to my potential new career path. disgusting. thx bye
Yep that gaslighting, I hate that — when you end up apologizing when initially you were trying to bring something up that you felt hurt by!
I’ve had issues with friends for as long as I can remember; when I was 4 my first “best friend” was super possessive, to the point where she tried to push my sister down the stairs and drown her on another occasion. Needless to say I repeated that pattern of having a possessive and controlling “best friend” up until adulthood. Now that I think about it, most of them were self proclaimed “empaths” lmfao not that I’m a saint, because I do sometimes engage in the behaviors you mention in the article - definitely the avoidance and lying - that’s the cowardly part I mentioned in my other comment. I admire people who know how to be direct. I’m not even sure how one begins to learn how to do that!
"Bro, how are you going to tell me that, and then not notice me crying myself to sleep for the past year?" hhahahahahhaha. THANK YOU FOR THAT ONE. It's exactlyyyy how you describe it. They even critizie you for TELLING them how you had a bad time, and weaponize it against just
Should we consider these things, too? Could some of this be unreliable narration? Could some of this be contextual?
There are certainly times when I am not as assertive as I should be.
There is a difference between a person who actually attempts to please/keep the peace in almost every circumstance and people who do that more selectively. If someone in the latter group takes the label People-Pleaser, I agree, there is a problem. That is a different problem from the less contextual People Pleaser, who also has a problem.
When I fail to stick up for myself, I can think of myself as people-pleasing. But I appreciate the point of the piece that I'm wrong to generalize my behavior into the clearly over-reported People Pleaser.