I am impressed by how much thought you've put into this. We think similarly, i.e., a lot of "On the one hand ____, but on the other hand ____," which, in my case, anyway, can be paralyzing. For me, it's come down to abiding by my own values. In this case, it would be honesty, truth and respect. Honesty in the service of truth is important to me - what another person does with that information is up to them. It's not how someone might respond to me that matters (I'll be okay), it's that they have all of the available facts from which to make an informed decision. I respect them enough to feel they can - either now or in the future - handle the truth, in whatever way they see fit.
Oh this was an interesting read! I think it's important to realize that people choose specific partners for a reason, sometimes their subconscious thinks thats what they deserve, sometimes its a "trauma" bond and almost ALWAYS there is something good keeping them there. Something that makes them feel so strongly they struggle to leave. As someone who has lived a sort of "toxic" relationship and come from a long line of women choosing the wrong partners it's important to have compassion as to WHY they stay and WHAT they see in this person and WHAT feelings/experiences keep them attached.
That being said, I think there is a way to be honest AND compassionate.
"hey I just heard you and X are moving in together and I'm feeling torn over some information about him. Mostly as I think It might make you reconsider...are you open to hearing it?"
And yes, not expecting her to change. because she deserves free will..even if that free is to walk straight into a relationship that's on fire.
After Finishing my novel, which i though was about sex and non-monogamy, I realized it was actually about „saving women“ from making bad choices and showing them how to leave, by statuing an example. I come from the same line, as you, so this topic is rather important to me and accepting other womens poor choices is like watching a car crash unfold over several years
« By statuing an example » is the key point here :)
I think the more women who live gréât happy lives and choose amazing partners the more it influenced eachother! A while back I noticed that even my few friends who were in good relationships, would rarely share the good. There’s a common baseline where women r used to complaining about their partners. But one day I was like « well what’s going on r u happy with these person? » n she was like « yeah why » n I was like « well I’d love to know the good they r up to otherwise it’s unfair ur only telling me their mistakes » this was a turning point for me in realizing that if more women shared the great parts of their relationship I think ALL women wud have more insight as to what’s possible for them!
So I’m not saying we need to accept and embrace women in « toxic » relationships but yes show them another reality exists …
Yes yes and yes again. In my novel I am actively describing a happy marriage as well, and describing the mans good qualities bc as you said, i think many women havent even seen what is possible!
blesss!!!! exactly...im like lets stop centering dramatic hot cold back n forth relationships..let's stop romanticizing "working on it" and normalize what letting good things happen and letting go when shit is OVER!!
Yeah I can‘t listen to Ester Perel anymore bc of her URGENT need to fix every goddamn fucked up relationship on her Podcast that should have ended YEARS / DECADES ago.
You should absolutely tell her but not expect any gratitude and prepare for her to deny it and defend him. I think because I am so quick to believe that a man could do a bad thing, and somehow they just believe men are good and other women are the problem? One woman thought I wanted to steal her man, but why would I want to be with a cheater?
I believe it can depend on your relationship to the woman. If you have absolutely no basis of relationship it may not be your place. If you have a shred of some kind of connection, then you can build on that. It can also depend on consent—ask her if she would want information about her partner that would potentially impact her relationship/future/trust—however you want to frame it. Yes to information and being able to make real choices AND sometimes people really do not want it. You could also anonymize the information and send it to her in some way and it will be up to her whether she wants to investigate it. Sadly, it is true that many women will look the other way and accept poor treatment as the price of admission. That too, is their choice. I would want to know. I have had people—friends tell me in the past and was really grateful they took that risk. That was about the infidelity and lying of a female partner. Be careful though of the heterosexual assumption that all women have had this experience with men. Some do not partner with men ever.
I am impressed by how much thought you've put into this. We think similarly, i.e., a lot of "On the one hand ____, but on the other hand ____," which, in my case, anyway, can be paralyzing. For me, it's come down to abiding by my own values. In this case, it would be honesty, truth and respect. Honesty in the service of truth is important to me - what another person does with that information is up to them. It's not how someone might respond to me that matters (I'll be okay), it's that they have all of the available facts from which to make an informed decision. I respect them enough to feel they can - either now or in the future - handle the truth, in whatever way they see fit.
The future in like … 10 years but I‘m already moving on 🤞
Oh this was an interesting read! I think it's important to realize that people choose specific partners for a reason, sometimes their subconscious thinks thats what they deserve, sometimes its a "trauma" bond and almost ALWAYS there is something good keeping them there. Something that makes them feel so strongly they struggle to leave. As someone who has lived a sort of "toxic" relationship and come from a long line of women choosing the wrong partners it's important to have compassion as to WHY they stay and WHAT they see in this person and WHAT feelings/experiences keep them attached.
That being said, I think there is a way to be honest AND compassionate.
"hey I just heard you and X are moving in together and I'm feeling torn over some information about him. Mostly as I think It might make you reconsider...are you open to hearing it?"
And yes, not expecting her to change. because she deserves free will..even if that free is to walk straight into a relationship that's on fire.
❤️❤️❤️
After Finishing my novel, which i though was about sex and non-monogamy, I realized it was actually about „saving women“ from making bad choices and showing them how to leave, by statuing an example. I come from the same line, as you, so this topic is rather important to me and accepting other womens poor choices is like watching a car crash unfold over several years
« By statuing an example » is the key point here :)
I think the more women who live gréât happy lives and choose amazing partners the more it influenced eachother! A while back I noticed that even my few friends who were in good relationships, would rarely share the good. There’s a common baseline where women r used to complaining about their partners. But one day I was like « well what’s going on r u happy with these person? » n she was like « yeah why » n I was like « well I’d love to know the good they r up to otherwise it’s unfair ur only telling me their mistakes » this was a turning point for me in realizing that if more women shared the great parts of their relationship I think ALL women wud have more insight as to what’s possible for them!
So I’m not saying we need to accept and embrace women in « toxic » relationships but yes show them another reality exists …
Yes yes and yes again. In my novel I am actively describing a happy marriage as well, and describing the mans good qualities bc as you said, i think many women havent even seen what is possible!
blesss!!!! exactly...im like lets stop centering dramatic hot cold back n forth relationships..let's stop romanticizing "working on it" and normalize what letting good things happen and letting go when shit is OVER!!
Yeah I can‘t listen to Ester Perel anymore bc of her URGENT need to fix every goddamn fucked up relationship on her Podcast that should have ended YEARS / DECADES ago.
Bahahaha omg Im dying!!! Timely take because I was just listening to her other day and thought to myself (these ppl want out bitch say it) 🤣
You should absolutely tell her but not expect any gratitude and prepare for her to deny it and defend him. I think because I am so quick to believe that a man could do a bad thing, and somehow they just believe men are good and other women are the problem? One woman thought I wanted to steal her man, but why would I want to be with a cheater?
Hahahah yeah! The last sentence in particular. I don’t want your trash man who tries cheating on you and despises you secretly?
I believe it can depend on your relationship to the woman. If you have absolutely no basis of relationship it may not be your place. If you have a shred of some kind of connection, then you can build on that. It can also depend on consent—ask her if she would want information about her partner that would potentially impact her relationship/future/trust—however you want to frame it. Yes to information and being able to make real choices AND sometimes people really do not want it. You could also anonymize the information and send it to her in some way and it will be up to her whether she wants to investigate it. Sadly, it is true that many women will look the other way and accept poor treatment as the price of admission. That too, is their choice. I would want to know. I have had people—friends tell me in the past and was really grateful they took that risk. That was about the infidelity and lying of a female partner. Be careful though of the heterosexual assumption that all women have had this experience with men. Some do not partner with men ever.
Right thing to do = often the hardest thing to do, but worth it for the future self etc.