Why the Hell is Esther Perel Still Allowed to Give Relationship Advice?

Am I the only one who's seeing it?

I turn around and there it is, sitting on my bookshelf like some kind of relic. The State of Affairs. A book I haven’t touched in over three years. Back then, I read it like it was gospel, convinced that Esther Perel had unlocked some grand secret about love, about human connection, about how to salvage a relationship teetering on the edge.

There she was, a qualified therapist offering something deeper than the usual “just leave him” advice. But now? Now I see it for what it really is—a handbook for women who’ve been conditioned to stay and suffer.

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Perel’s approach isn’t revolutionary—it’s just another version of the same tired narrative women have been fed for centuries: stay, endure, try to understand him, try to fix it. Her analyses largely ignore the societal conditions under which relationships are conducted—namely, under patriarchy, where women still bear the brunt of care work, emotional labor, and the thankless task of holding a broken marriage together after their day job is done.

It’s usually the woman who has to bend, to understand, to “work on things.” And Perel? Instead of telling them to burn it all to the ground and start over, she helps them glue together what should have been left in pieces.

And then there’s her famous podcast Where Should We Begin, which normalizes some of the most batshit crazy relationship dynamics you could imagine. And to be clear: this is not about shaming those who have experienced these struggles firsthand.

It’s about refusing to accept that this should be normal. That we should just sigh and nod when a woman wonders for the hundredth time whether she should forgive the same man who keeps disrespecting and betraying her, while she breaks her back trying to make the relationship work.

You don’t believe what I’m saying. Ok. Let’s take a look at some of her latest podcast episodes:

1. How Many Times Can I Forgive You?

A year after explosive revelations of cheating—and the existence of a 14-year-old son her partner never told her about—a woman receives a call about yet another betrayal. She is humiliated and in crisis, while her partner’s ability to compartmentalize has rendered him a ghost in his own life. They love each other and parent two boys, but may not be able to find a shared reality in which to move forward.

2. We Had Boundaries and He Crossed Them
They were in a consensual, non-monogamous relationship and happily growing their family. But he broke the first rule of their relationship, and it resulted in a major crisis—an unplanned pregnancy involving another woman.

3. Love the Child, Not the Father
They moved in together, decided to have a baby, and now struggle to weather the hardships of parenting. She feels unsupported and like she’s the only adult in the room. He is overwhelmed and constantly feels put down by her.

OH WOW. POOR MEN. One is feeling "put down" by the mother of his child, the other is a ghost in his own life because he—checks notes—has been lying and cheating for years.

Are we seriously supposed to feel sorry for them?

Here’s the deal: Perel, both in The State of Affairs and her podcast, focuses on problems that should have one logical conclusion: breaking up. But instead of telling women that they don’t have to stay in a dumpster fire of a relationship, she keeps handing them a mop and telling them to get to work.

Women, in particular, have been conditioned for centuries to stay, to endure, to “fight for their relationship.” And Perel? Instead of ripping that toxic script to shreds, she helps reinforce it. No, of course she doesn’t explicitly say, “As a woman, you are nothing without your partner.”

But by facilitating therapy sessions for fundamentally incompatible couples, she increases the likelihood that toxic relationships continue, even when they are demonstrably destructive to at least one of the partners.

I mean, let’s be real: women already have the entire world telling them that they should fix, heal, and accommodate. And Perel, whether she realizes it or not, plays into that. She keeps the focus on repairing relationships instead of telling women to reclaim their fucking lives.

And let’s address the elephant in the room: Perel enables toxic relationships.

There, I said it. It’s not that she’s always off-base—sure, sometimes she offers valuable insights into intimacy and human connection. But far too often, she extends endless empathy to cheaters, liars, and emotionally neglectful men without holding them accountable.

Instead of saying “You’re treating your wife like garbage, and you don’t get to continue this behavior,” she’s out here trying to help them find common ground. Bitch, what common ground? The audacity it takes to frame these situations as mutual problems rather than the blatant, disrespectful power imbalances they are?

The only real advice in these situations should be: BREAK. THE. FUCK. UP.

And if Perel won’t tell these women that, who will? Their mothers? No, their mothers were likely conditioned to stay in miserable relationships themselves. Their children? No, their children just want Mom and Dad to get along, without knowing what a healthy relationship actually looks like.

I turn around and pull Perel’s book from the shelf. Did I misremember, or is she one of the most ardent defenders of the casual affair?

“Being cheated on makes people feel insignificant, but feeling insignificant for years on end may lead people to cheat. When the kids are young and needy and their father is once more out at the sports bar watching a game with his buddies, extramarital appreciation can feel like a tonic. When your marriage has become Home Management Inc. and you talk only about logistics, the poetry of an affair is a spiritual uplifting from the mind-numbing prose of the everyday.”

Okkkkk, but what if you don’t look for extramarital appreciation but for a proper divorce lawyer?

Perel legitimizes infidelity as though it were an inevitable, even poetic event—something that just happens. This is not the state of affairs. This is the state of unhappy marriages.

“Indeed, too many partners whose behavior is subpar will eagerly vilify the one who cheats and claim victimhood, confident that the cultural bias is in their favor“, she writes. “Infidelity hurts. But when we grant it a special status in the hierarchy of marital misdemeanors, we risk allowing it to overshadow the egregious behaviors that may have preceded it or even led to it.“

Is Perel engaging in victim-blaming, or am I missing something? Of course, there are multiple forms of betrayal—name-calling, constant belittlement, emotional neglect. We get it. But responding to that with cheating? That’s not justice. That’s just another nail in the coffin of an already-dead relationship.

Because, honestly?

Some relationships shouldn’t be saved. And I wish Perel would just admit that more often.

The real solution is not therapy sessions that gaslight women into staying with men who have already shattered their trust beyond repair. It’s teaching women that leaving is an option—a good option, a healthy option.

Instead of relationship counseling, how about we normalize exit strategies? How about we teach women that they are allowed to prioritize their own mental health over a man’s fragile ego?

There are therapists and counselors out there who do understand this, who center women’s liberation instead of their continued suffering. Instead of Perel’s romanticization of suffering, let’s uplift those voices. The ones who don’t ask, “How can we fix this?” but “Why should we?”

Because sometimes, the best thing a woman can do is walk away.