Love is not blind

And we should all stop pretending that it is.

We've all seen the sixth season of that dreadful Netflix show, insisting our singleness stems from being too superficial, haven’t we? The premise goes as follows: the contestants meet up in so-called “pods” to meet multiple people who are eager to marry. They have ten days to find the love of their lives, without having seen the person behind the wall.

Truth be told, it’s absolutely cringe-worthy watching these people reveal their biggest insecurities, childhood traumas, and rewritten versions of their past selves to someone they’ve just met within this very constructed, flawed experiment. I especially hate it when someone bursts into tears just because some stranger behind a fucking wall has validated one horrible experience, or when people bond over their shared interest in traveling, as if a trip to Italy isn’t every American's holiday dream.

Anyhow, once two people are sure they've met their soulmate, one of them has to propose in order to finally meet up face to face, which is the part where the show actually gets a tad exciting. Is love actually… blind? (lol, of course it is not.)

The curtain falls

There’s nothing more revealing than the moment where two contestants can see each other for the first time, because by that time they have already convinced themselves and the audience of their moral superiority, which is the ability to date someone who’s eventually … not their type. They have all repeatedly claimed that they “want to break the pattern,” they “want to love someone because of their true soul,” and that they are over the idea that you have to be physically attracted in the first place in order to date someone. They have fallen for someone for “the right reasons.”

And then, the curtain falls. And we have all seen what this has done to some of the couples. Despite the contestants' attempts to maintain a straight face, the evident disappointment at their partner's appearance often transforms into a globally televised public trainwreck.

This season, three pairs grappled with the dilemma of physical appearance: Chelsea and Jimmy (both not their types), Brittany and Kenneth (no physical intimacy), and— but that’s just my guess—AD and Clay (Clay being into petite women, while AD is strong and has big thighs). In previous seasons, there was the infamous Jessica-Mark situation, where Jessica refused to sleep in a bed with him from day one, hoping that the physical connection would “grow” as time went on, and there was Irina in Season 4, who wasn’t attracted to her super-smart lawyer husband-to-be Zack at all, resulting in all kinds of weird behaviors from her side, from ignoring him to making mean side comments.

And, not to forget: The Swedish version of “Love is Blind”, where some blond dude turned down a super hot, funny, and witty woman in her mid-thirties because he just didn’t feel the physical part. Oh, and remember Shake, who said Deepti reminded him of his aunt? Despite her being normatively pretty and everything a guy his caliber could have wished for?

So, what does “Love is Blind” ... teach us, really?

Sure, there have been couples where the initial spark wasn’t there, who have made it to the altar. But they are the exception.

Love is Blind tries so hard to “break” society’s pattern of being superficial by forcing a situation where they remove this element at all costs, only to ignore the fact that “types” do matter and “types” do exist.

More so, the show is neglecting the undeniable reality that preferences in partners—'types'— can be significant.

As much as this makes me sound like a bad person: I can’t date anyone who isn’t my type in the long run. And believe me, I’ve tried. I felt so bad for “having a type”, and my friends' critique that I always go for the “same type of guy” that I consciously tried not to interfere with “my type” for a while, which ultimately led me to even more frustrating situations.

I am not alone with this problem. Or, as one of my best friends put it:

“She’s nice, and smart, and everything. I do like the way she dresses. But she doesn’t have my preferred body type, and her face doesn’t make up for it. I cannot even imagine having sex with her.”

Yes. This is what’s been written about you behind your back. The truth is: If a guy, girl, gender-nonconforming person doesn’t get back to you, it's quite often the fact that you are not their type. And you won’t ever be able to change that.

Sure, it can be your flawed character as well, but speaking from my own experience, I’ve never been ditched by a guy because I’m a bitch.

I’ve been ditched because I wasn’t a petite little ballerina, because I am too tall, and because I don’t work out enough. How do I know? A friend of mine once forwarded me a screenshot from a text-conversation with a guy I was dating at that time who literally said my character was great and he loved hanging out with me, but I would never compare to his ex in terms of looks and, therefore, attraction.

That hurt, and yet, I’ve said the same things about guys to my girlfriends.

I ditched guys because they weren’t skinny enough (I do love my skinny models).
I ditched guys because they worked out too much (I don’t like bulky guys).
I ditched guys because they were too hairy (sorry, it’s just not my thing).
I ditched guys because I simply didn’t like the bone structure of their face.
I ditched guys because I hated their feet.
I ditched guys because I didn’t like their mannerisms.
TL;DR: I ditched guys because I wasn’t physically attracted to them, and no amount of great communication, sex, vacationing, and shared interests could make up for that.

So, in a way, I have to have sympathy for the blond Swedish guy who couldn't marry this amazing woman, even though I hate him for being superficial. I must have sympathy for Clay, who ultimately wasn’t infatuated with AD, despite her being absolutely amazing and beautiful. She just wasn’t for him. And I do feel for Jessica, who tried really hard to be in love with a guy who was 'good for her,' despite her being turned off by every inch of his body.

As much as online therapists, friends, co-workers, family, or a show such as 'Love Is Blind' try to educate us on our biases, they won’t and they can’t shame us out of our 'type.'

Btw: I believe that the urge for 'my type' is something biological, not something mental I can be healed from. I’ve tried, and if I could, I probably would. But also, I do love my type. OTHERWISE, IT WOULDN’T BE MY TYPE. Right? I love my skinny bitches, I love my lanky dudes, the feminine mannerisms, the long, tattooed arms, and beautiful, petite fingers. It’s my thing.

So why on earth should I convince myself to go for something else?

'Love Is Blind' follows the premise that the person whom you've fallen in love with in the pods is automatically going to be a flawless, perfect human being, simply because you haven’t picked them because of their looks, which is nothing but bullshit.

You can date someone who’s not your type and still meet an abuser. You can date someone who is your type, someone who you feel 100% attracted to and match in a non-superficial way as well. Those things don’t have to exclude each other.

In fact, it’s going to be way harder to fight for a relationship if the physical attraction is low to begin with. As anyone knows, who has been in a long-term relationship, the attraction is mostly going to fade a bit with time. So it better be high in the first place. It better be high when you face your first obstacles, such as annoying roommates, annoying parents-in-law, or stressful jobs. Because at the end of the day, you know you’re going to snuggle into someone’s armpits you gladly want to smell, rather than—on top of it all—having to sleep next to the person you’re not even sure you want to sleep next to.

By dating your type, and vice versa, you will always have this feeling of being made for each other by default. And this is, for sure, worth something. Something our moral-obsessed society is not willing to admit.