Fuckgirl Advice Column #1: Am I Non-Monogamous or Am I Just Done with My Situationship?

Each month, I tackle a dilemma shared by one of my followers. I give you my honest, no-filter advice so you can avoid making the same mistakes I did.

Dear Fuckgirl,

I’m currently dealing with a dilemma that’s been weighing on me for a while now, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on it. Maybe you can help me get a bit more clarity.

I’ve been in a "situationship" with a guy I really like for over a year now. It’s not just about sex – we’re emotionally close too, like really good friends. But somehow, we’re both missing that spark that would push us into a real relationship. I know I want a long-term partnership, but he seems to be lacking some things, especially when it comes to emotional communication and opening up.

He’s working on it, going to therapy, which I totally support and think is great. But at the same time, I’ve been feeling this strong desire for love, security, and stability in my life – things he just can’t give me right now.

I feel torn: on one hand, we have an amazing time together. We share intimate moments, have great sex, and love trying new things with each other. It’s almost like sex has become a hobby for us, something we explore together, and it’s built so much trust and fun between us.

This connection is really important to me. But on the other hand, I feel like something is still missing. I keep craving a stable partnership. And I’m also feeling more and more curious about exploring things with other women. We’ve talked about having a threesome, which we’re both into, but this has also sparked a desire in me to just start dating again – mainly women this time (because, honestly, men on dating apps are a nightmare).

So, I’m kinda open to the idea of a non-monogamous lifestyle. But at the same time, I still want that “traditional” relationship that gives me the security and deep emotional connection I’m longing for. It’s all starting to blur together, and I feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions without really figuring out what I actually want.

Do you have any advice for me – especially as someone who seems to know their way around these things? How do I figure out if non-monogamy is really for me? And how do I deal with feeling emotionally pulled in so many directions? I’m looking forward to hearing your thoughts.

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Dear fellow Fuckgirl,

Honestly, I don’t even need to break this down too much. The heart of your situation is wrapped up in one thing you said: “I know I want a long-term partnership” – and that’s a really strong need.

It’s not something you can just suppress or push aside, no matter how good the sex is, how great the friendship is, or how big the dick or the thrill is. Whether you end up in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship is secondary as long as you get the relationship you want. The key word here is "relationship." Not monogamy or non-monogamy. Non-monogamous relationships can still give you love, security, and stability if they’re handled right.

What you want is love, security, and stability. Not an Almost-There-Guy who maybe needs five more months or years of therapy. It’s nice that you’re supporting him, but be careful that your endless empathy and understanding don’t end up hurting you by making you put your own needs on the back burner. You’ve already said the guy can’t give you the security you need right now, and that made me immediately think of Rachel Chinouriri’ track Dumb Bitch Juice. She sings, "You’re cheap and you’re basic, you bring nothing to this table." Give it a listen and see how you feel. Do you feel the need to defend him because you see yourself in that situation?

Even if non-monogamy could be cool for you, I kinda feel like this dude might’ve nudged you in that direction because he doesn’t want to commit.

“We both want a threesome,” like, seriously, did you want that before, or is this just his influence speaking through you? I’m honestly not sure.

In my experience, when someone isn’t up for commitment, non-monogamy often shows up as this “alternative” or excuse, and at least one person wouldn’t have even considered it if all their needs were being met from the start. That’s why you’re feeling so conflicted: he’s figured out what you're looking for—love, security, and stability—and instead of fully meeting those needs, he might be subtly steering things to suit his own desires. This way, he gets to enjoy a more open, sexually adventurous dynamic without committing to the deeper emotional connection you crave.

Don’t get into non-monogamy just to keep a guy around. Like you said yourself, you’re not even in a “real” relationship yet – it’s this blurry, undefined situationship. But still, as you pointed out: it’s an emotionally unfulfilling situation.

TL;DR: Relationship models do matter, and your needs matter too. Figure out if you truly want to explore non-monogamy and date women – without worrying about what he wants. That’s your first priority, take your time. Second priority? Break up with this dude and look for someone who’s on the same page as you when it comes to the type of relationship you’re after. You can also break up with him first! ;)

I know it’s tough to let go of a semi-good thing, but it’s necessary to end what’s happening right now so you can eventually walk a much more beautiful, loving path with someone new. Someone you can actually fall for. Everything else will leave you unsatisfied in the long run. Trust me, I’ve been there.

Good luck with it all!

fckgurl