Being Childfree Doesn’t Mean Being Anti-Children

How the hell did we end up back at the point where child-free women are accused of hating children? We are not your enemy.

Brace yourselves, this is going to be a loooong one.

Lately, there’s a shift happening in the public discourse around reproductive choices — and it’s not … a subtle one. Across essays, podcasts, talk shows, and viral social media takes, we’re seeing a cultural momentum that frames childfree women as selfish at best, and misanthropic at worst.

Honestly, are we back in the 80ies?

Whether it's a “critical” podcast dissecting the “dangerous childfree discourse”, or essays like “The Demographic Crisis is a Cultural Crisis” that bemoan a generation of adults opting out of parenthood, a pattern is emerging: the choice to live without biological (or adopted) children is increasingly met with suspicion, ridicule, or outright moral judgment covered as “worry over our country’s birth rates”. You get what I’m saying?

More and more, being childfree is conflated with being anti-child and I don’t think it’s an accident.

Here’s the thing: choosing not to have your own children is not a declaration of war against those who do. And yet, the discourse is becoming so polarized that even the word “childfree” is treated as politically loaded.

Some argue it’s too “celebratory,” others see it as exclusionary. What’s often lost in the noise is this simple truth: opting out of parenthood is a legitimate, autonomous choice — not an attack on children, parents, or the future of humanity.

Having children is still widely seen as a good and honorable choice — even a social duty. Whereas choosing not to have children often comes with the pressure to explain yourself, defend your values, or justify your happiness.

So when we see critiques of childfree living framed in pro-natalist, sometimes even moralistic terms — as though motherhood were a measure of maturity, femininity, or civic duty — we’re no longer talking about individual decisions.
We’re talking about ideology.

This post is a very personal response to a cultural current that has bothered me for … let’s say: a while.

A current that too often misrepresents what it really means to be childfree, misinterprets what the term “childfree” actually refers to and that too rarely makes space for those of us who have thoughtfully, joyfully, and yes — unapologetically — chosen a different path.

Misconception #1: The term “childfree” is … problematic!

The Cambridge Dictionary defines childfree as “used to refer to people who choose not to have children.” That’s it. It does not refer to people who hate children and want to harm them. That term would usually be parents, but I guess I will be cancelled for saying that one out loud oooopsi.

Anyhow. The term childfree was created as an emancipatory label to distinguish it from the negative connotations of childless, which historically implied that something was missing or incomplete. Whereas childfree simply states that someone chooses not to reproduce or adopt, without judgment.

Reverting back to the label childless would be a step backward, echoing outdated stereotypes from the … 1900s (?) through the 1990s, when women without children were socially devalued compared to “good mothers” who fulfilled traditional roles. Motherhood continues to be idealized and socially accepted, while childfree individuals constantly have to justify their lack of desire for children.

To be 100 % clear: choosing the label childfree does not mean hating children, refusing to spend time with them, disliking being a godparent, or rolling eyes at crying babies in cafés.

It’s unfortunate and frankly unsupportive when people criticize others’ hard-won self-identifications simply because they don’t understand the term.
What’s next? Denying people their chosen pronouns?

Misconception #2: Celebrating a Childfree Life on Social Media Is Embarrassing and Selfish!

“Many people choosing to be “childfree” celebrate what they can accomplish as DINKS that parents cannot – lavish vacations, workout classes on the weekend, and going out on a whim. The air of superiority can’t be ignored, but neither can the anxiety and individualism that’s behind perfectly curated instagram posts” - Susannah Petitt

OMG people can take offense in literally EVERYTHING that doesn’t represent their traditional family model of husband wife and two gender-conforming kids, right? Honestly Susan, shall I rather be embarrassed that I make bank and live a comfortable life with my future-husband?

One of the more frustrating and persistent misunderstandings about the childfree movement for me is the idea that openly celebrating a life without children — especially on social media — is somehow embarrassing, self-centered, or even offensive. This attitude not only dismisses the legitimacy of the choice, but also perpetuates a narrow cultural script where having children is the only acceptable path to fulfillment and happiness.

To unpack this, it’s important to recognize the social context in which these celebrations happen. For f*cking DECADES, mainstream media, advertising, and cultural narratives have overwhelmingly idealized parenthood, especially motherhood.

The image of the devoted, self-sacrificing mother has been held up as the ultimate expression of womanhood and societal contribution. This leaves little space for alternative narratives, making it challenging for childfree individuals to see themselves represented positively … anywhere.

When childfree women or couples share their lives on platforms like Instagram, TikTok, or podcasts – highlighting the joys of freedom, career focus, travel, creativity, and self-care – they are not bragging to upset the Karens and Susans who are sitting at home with their 3 yo while their husband is out watching football.

They are asserting their identity and creating visibility for a life that is often erased or even stigmatized. This visibility is crucial because it offers validation to countless others who feel trapped by pronatalist expectations but have yet to find a community that reflects their values.

Some critics argue that flaunting a “childfree lifestyle” on social media comes off as tone-deaf or dismissive of the real struggles parents face. But this criticism often ignores the emotional labor involved in navigating a society that constantly questions and devalues one’s choice.

In sum, the hesitation or embarrassment some feel about publicizing childfreedom reflects the weight of pronatalist social conditioning, not any inherent “flaw” in the choice itself. It’s also giving envy, and hate.

Just to get this clear one more time: Celebrating a childfree life is not selfish; it is a powerful affirmation of autonomy, diversity, and the right to define one’s own meaning and success beyond the traditional family mold. It’s def not about hating you for having children.

Misconception #3: Childfree People Criticize Mothers, Not Systems!

A common accusation thrown at childfree women is that they target (!) mothers with their critiques, when really, the problem lies with a broken social system that makes parenthood so challenging. This framing suggests that childfree people are “anti-mother” or hold some personal grudge against women who have children.

HOW CAN PPL BE SO FULL OF THEMSELVES HNSTLY? Most childfree people do not resent mothers in general. In fact, a significant portion of the childfree community actively advocates for the struggles of parents – especially mothers – highlighting how systemic failures force parents into exhausting, under-supported roles. They criticize a society that fails to provide affordable childcare, flexible work arrangements, paid parental leave, and social safety nets, making parenthood unnecessarily difficult and isolating. You don’t have to be a mother to see that ...

The decision to be childfree often (not always tho) emerges precisely because of these systemic issues. For many, choosing not to have children is a conscious, political statement – a refusal to bring new life into a world where the structures meant to support families are inadequate or even hostile.

Ever heard of the “birthstrike”: a deliberate opting out of parenthood to demand better conditions for those who do choose to have children? Organized by who exactly? Ah, well! The childfree, demonic women.

At the same time, criticizing the system should not be framed as a zero-sum game where the childfree are on one side and mothers on the other. Both groups share a common enemy: a social order that idealizes “self-sacrificing motherhood” while neglecting the need for structural support and care infrastructure.

Dismissing childfree critiques as “mother-bashing” also silences important conversations about reproductive justice and gender equality. It prevents society from acknowledging that parenthood is deeply gendered and that women disproportionately carry caregiving burdens.

By labeling childfree people as antagonists, the discourse shuts down the chance to build solidarity across different life choices and work toward systemic change.

Final Thoughts: Is There a Right to a “Childfree Life”?

No, of course not. There is no such thing in a broader society if you wanna use the label incorrectly, even though pro-natalists apparently think so.

There also isn’t a right to impose your reproductive choices onto others. Women who choose to be childfree deserve the same pride and respect as those who are mothers. Any attempt to delegitimize this choice is deeply political and aligned with conservative, pronatalist views that prioritize reproduction as a woman’s duty.

Childfree women are not immoral, cold, or selfish by nature. It is anti-feminist and unfair to paint them as such simply because they challenge traditional expectations.

Celebrating life without constant caregiving obligations is a form of liberation – let’s not deny that in a world where women are supposed to care for everyone but themselves. The fact that there is – unfortunately – still no successful combination of the greatest possible freedom + motherhood in capitalism is not the fault of the childfree women who have decided against it. Surprise!

If some people can’t accept that, their problem isn’t with childlessness itself – it’s with female autonomy and freedom.

Until we recognize that, the conversation remains stuck in old, harmful narratives that pit women against each other instead of uniting them in solidarity.